Grind Your Teeth Elmo Xtreme

THUG LIFE Elmo and fellow con • Street crime: Police have busted a Denver, Colorado, meth ring in which smugglers shoved the drugs deep inside toys, including Elmo dolls, which explains why the furry Sesame Street creature has such a whiny, desperate voice. What unwitting mule wouldn't hit high pitches after being stuffed with 45 pounds of methamphetamine (the amount seized by cops, along with 19 suspects)?

• Wedded bliss: New Jersey's Supreme Court rules that homosexual couples are entitled to the same rights as straight couples. "Although we cannot find that a fundamental right to same-sex marriage exists in this state, the unequal dispensation of rights and benefits to committed same-sex partners can no longer be tolerated under our state Constitution," writes Justice Barry T. Albin in the ruling.

• Life imitates The Simpsons: A three-year-old boy found himself stuck in a vending machine in Wisconsin. Earlier: Maggie Simpson gets trapped in a newspaper vending machine.

• Our long national nightmare is over: Britney Spears has finally—finally!—confirmed that she and her husband Kevin Federline (album forthcoming) have named their newest child Jayden James, as TMZ reported yesterday. Phew. Additionally, the one-month-old, as of press time, remains safely outside of a vending machine.