Four Digit Dow, Gay Cannibals, Defiant Pirates

Important end of day stories we're tracking:

• The. Dow. Closed. At. 9955. *Yoinks!*

• The Somali pirate standoff continues! Says honored pirate spokesman: "If we are attacked we will defend ourselves until every last one of us dies. We only need money and if we are paid, then everything will be OK. No one can tell us what to do."

• Here's Citi's lawsuit against Wachovia and Wells Fargo for $60 BILLION. Here's one shareholder's opinion: get a grip, you morons, and go MAKE SOME MONEY.

• Those bips at eBay laid off 10 percent of their workforce—1,000 employees!—while spending hundreds of millions of dollars to purchase other companies. Here's one shareholder's opinion: eBay's management sucks and should all be fired. Again. (N.B. Do not ever ask me for stock advice, clearly.)

• Actually, Sarah Palin's administration was against divesting from Sudan!

• The cannibalism and murder trial of Mr. Gay UK has begun!