A Dirty Old Man for a Dirty Job

IN HIS HEYDAY Goldstein

• He's been a pornographer, a defendant, a derelict, and an author. Now Al Goldstein wants to be the President of the United States. The Screw magazine founder announced his candidacy yesterday in a statement: "I'm coming to you today, a man full of regrets and great memories, a humble human being who is here to tell you that the meaning of life can be found in pot and cunnilingus."

Goldstein, who insists his candidacy is not a joke (or not just a joke, anyway) says he is anti-war and pro-gay marriage. In a canny bid to contain campaign spending, he intends to make his running mate his future First Lady: "I haven't been laid in over two years. I'd pay for it if I could afford it. Instead, I'm willing to trade sex for the vice presidency."

• If you ever wanted to grind on Tucker Carlson's be-Dockered hip or slip a roofie in Joe Scarborough's Tequiza, Saturday night's your chance. MSNBC is holding a going-away party for departing anchor Rita Cosby at Meatpacking District nightspot The Plumm. According to the invite, DJ Doug Grayson will be spinning upstairs, while Kenny Summit will provide the tunes down below. (Yeah, we've never heard of them, either.) Though nominally invitation-only, we suspect anyone who shows up in a stretch Hummer will be taken care of.