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America Deeply Embraces Lesser of Two Evils

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PERFECT (DOWNWARD) SPIRAL Allen

Gooooo, team! The Democrats finally graduated from the kids’ table after 12 years of Republican domination. The AP has Jim Webb, the final holdout for a Democratic Senate majority, winning by 7,236 votes. Virginia has only had two recounts in its history and neither resulted in a change of more than a few hundred votes. Republican incumbent George Allen hasn’t conceded but is expected to after a canvassing of Virginia counties. Allen adviser Ed Gillespie, aka Frowny McPouts-a-lot, told reporters in Richmond, “We’ll see where the official tally stands on November 27 and we’ll come back and visit with you then.”

Cleaning out the closet: Loose lady-lovin’ comedian Bill Maher plans to out several gay-but-not-telling Republicans on his show on Friday night, using bulletproof logic: “Well, I wouldn’t be the first [to name them]. I’d get sued if I was the first. [RNC Chairman] Ken Mehlman. Ok, there’s one I think people have talked about.”

Chaotic, toxic, and other adjectives: After dumping dumpster-diver impersonator K-Fed, Brit Brit spent the day smiling, giggling, and gliding across the Rockefeller Center ice rink. As for him, the Sun “reports” that he was “holed up in a Chicago hotel room drowning his sorrows with two bottles of Jack Daniel’s.” Hopefully, all of that was paid for before she denied him support.

Bridging the racial gap: The Gap—done exhuming Audrey Hepburn’s body—has enlisted rapper Common for its newest ad campaign, “Holiday in your Hood.” The occasionally controversial MC has written an accompanying song that samples Madonna‘s “Holiday.” Mark this with a big L.

Never would’ve Gest: Famous for marrying a gay icon, David Gest will be an inn-mate on the BBC’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! On entering the ranks of the elimination-style show, Gest queried, “How am I gonna cope without a maid?” He may have a winning smile, but he’ll probably still get beaten by the competition.

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