Madonna will be 50 years old in a few weeks, and the Internet is horrified that she sometimes looks like a woman in her mid-40s. The thing is, blogs and message boards are populated by 26-year-olds who have never seen a person older than 40 except their parents, and parents look old to everyone. The gays on magical message board Datalounge are of mixed opinion, but there is definitely a large contingent who believe that "At some point, a woman has to make a choice between her face and her body" and that "She's just old, at her age the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken." Ha, stick around, kiddo!

Over on Gawker, some youngster wonders, "Didn't Brendan Fraser already kill this dude? Twice." Well, three times actually—Mummy 3 opens soon!

Not to be all Chris Crocker meets Lee Siegel, but Jesus H. Christmas hanging off the cross, people. Now that no one can play Scrabulous on your Facebook pages—they've just finally pulled it from the time-sucking, life-sucking, depression-inducing "social-networking" site—all that remains of contemporary life is looking at unflattering paparazzi pictures of aging pop stars. The Internet has finally become everything it can be: A place to look at ugly pictures of filthy rich people.

The Internet has essentially no other utility now. While it was formerly the ideal vehicle for lengthy games of faux-Scrabble with people one does not associate with in real life, now it is the perfect delivery system for recirculating pictures from last Friday of Madonna beginning to open her mouth and looking really ugly and what we all think of that. Does this depress you? It's enough to make you want to go to a month-long yoga teacher training. But, but, but this civilization of ours has come so far up to now!

See, no one gets out of this alive. How is it going to end? With you all white and bloodless, with little x's over your eyes, in a plain pine box. And perhaps Madonna will predecease you, but at least your Internet comments will live on.