Ahh, summer is officially here. Time for picnics, lemonade, and boatloads of body issues brought to you by your weekly warriors. The only question is: Do you want to feel smug and superior (S&S) when reading your glossy, or do you want pics that inspire you to put a plastic surgeon on speed dial?

In the smug and superior "I look better than this" column, Star runs a Stars Without Make-up cover, boasting "28 pages of new photos" of celebs in all their zitty, wrinkly, unflattering-lighted glory. Earth shattering news: older (this being "Hollywood"-older not reality-older) ladies like Felicity Huffman, 45, Julia Roberts, 40, and Kim Cattrall, 51, tend to look, well, older without make-up, while younger starlets like Kelly Clarkson, 26, and Mischa Barton, 22, appear puffy. Another shocker: supermodels like Bar Refaeli, 23 and Kate Moss, 34, look good with or without make-up, with or without clothes. That's because they're aliens sent down from a planet populated by the makers of Botox.

Also going with the S&S cover is In Touch: "Who's Really Pregnant?" Here we learn that if you are famous and/or married to someone who is famous you must never eat food which might cause you to bloat, must always drink alcohol lest some spy assume you've gone prohibition for the babe, and never leave your home wearing any piece of clothing that might be described as "loose." Among this crop of potential baby bumpers, Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria Parker, and Paris Hilton. Bonus points to the Bauer Bunch for showing a pic of Jennifer Garner in a billowy top and talking about how she looks sperminated, while also running an info box suggesting that Jen's marriage to Beantown beau Ben Affleck might be in troubs—way to cover all those bases!

In the "Plastic Surgeon on Speed Dial" category, we offer The Life & Style Best Body Awards. Over eight pages, the other Bauer Bunch showcases 29 stars who look better than you—and then they proceed to tell you why. Fergie is the winner of the "Most Lovely Lady Lumps" award, while Katie Hudson is bestowed the honor of "Perkiest Booty." Never fear, there's another eight pages of "The Best Clothes for Every Body." Poor Jake Gyllenhaal-lovin' Reese Witherspoon's photo is slapped on the "How to Mask a Tummy" spread and Denise Richards is somehow branded "Pear-shaped." Yep, just go to yellowpages.com, type in "cosmetic surgeon," followed by your zip code....

Meanwhile Us goes with a Stars Secret Diets cover where they talk about how Carrie Underwood lost weight by counting calories and Lo Bosworth stays svelte by running twice a week. Go ahead and cut your carbs like Rihanna and strike yoga poses along with Jennifer Aniston, we promise this ain't no S&Scover; in fact, we wish Janice Minn's Minions would have titled this story what it really is: Stars Secret Diets That Won't Work for You!