• Suicidal tendencies: Back in 1992, DC Madam Deborah Palfrey begged a judge not to send her to prison, saying that she was "not prison material" and would consider suicide a "viable option."

• Free meatstick!: When the plaintiff failed to turn up, an L.A. judge today dismissed a sexual battery charge against Girls Gone Wild meatstick Joe Francis. Did anyone check the French Quarter?

• Disney strikes back: The Disney people just want to let you know that when 15-year-old Miley Cyrus says she loves Sex and the City, she really means the reruns on TBS, the sanitized versions.

• Shredded pork: Roger Waters' runaway pig from Coachella has been found in two pieces. The two women who discovered the flyaway ham prop are splitting a $10,000 reward and, presumably, the lifetime Coachella passes. We still say it was a media stunt.

• Sweet fetal Jesus: A pregnant Ohio woman claims the image of Jesus nailed to the cross appeared in her ultrasound. The Second Coming is due Aug. 12

• Sect's abuse: After reports of underage sex abuse, authorities in New Mexico today raided a doomsday cult and removed 3 teens (1 boy, two girls). Problems started when the world didn't end on October 31, as self-appointed messiah Michael Travesser predicted.