Oh my God. It's like they won't stop giving us The Hills. Every bonus episode is as pretty and empty as a Thomas Kinkade painting. And every after-show is as unnecessary as an extended 8-minute remix of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine."

This week, Lauren Conrad and Stephanie Pratt stroll the grounds of L.A.'s esteemed FIDM, where LC tells Stephanie (who deserves an A+ for rocking the vest-and-nothing-but-the-vest look) it's her birthday and offers a roundabout party invitation. "If you want, you can come." Stephanie so wants to come.

Spencer returns to his apartment with Heidi, where he uses a trick as old as the hills themselves: "So, are we dating?" he asks. You see, many ladies in the club have been inquiring and, being gentlemanly, he wants to give them an honest response. Heidi, to her credit, tells him to hit the road. Back at his sister's house it's much of the same. Spencer finds that sibling devotion ends when a brother is living on his sister's couch, ordering her to wash his sheets. Stephanie wants him out of her apartment immediately. But wily Spencer catches her on a technicality: "It's not an apartment, it's a condo." Touché.

Lo and Lauren pre-party for Lauren's birthday, a scene remarkable only for some dialogue suggesting that Frankie Delgado has a girlfriend. In our Hills drinking game, this would require demolishing a handle of Mad Dog. Fast forward to Lauren's party: a pastiche of extremely awkward dancing. Whitney rolls her hands upwards to the sky while staring at the floor; Audrina dances with her teeth, which until now we would have said was impossible; Kimberley, Heidi hanger-on and door-girl, glares at Stephanie.

As expected, everyone narcs on everyone. Heidi is shocked. Spencer is angry. Spencer confronts Stephanie. Heidi confronts Stephanie. Tears well up in Stephanie's Cindy McCain-blue eyes. Why must they persecute her? She just shares Lauren's love for fashion!! "All girls share a love for fashion," snips Heidi Montag, unimpressed feminist icon.

Did you hear that Whitney has a job? She calls model's names in the correct order and shuffles around People's Revolution taskmistress Kelly Cutrone as they discuss whether or not fat chicks can wear tight pants. Lauren declares this to be her "ideal job." In a scene at the People's Revolution office, Kelly advises her hires: "Do not roll your eyes at me." Whitney is going to have some serious problems here.

Stephanie and Heidi decide to have a girls' night out and hit the club scene, where they run into Audrina. In a heavily subtitled scene, Heidi sits down with Audrina and tries to make nice. Because every conversation with Audrina is like tabula rasa, not much is resolved. As Heidi leaves, Audrina's friend Chiara notes: "We're having so much fun, why did shit have to go down?" Because, Chiara, if it didn't, this would be the worst hour of my life.

Later, Lauren confronts Audrina about being friendly with Heidi. Audrina promises to be careful, and swears she will not be seduced by Heidi's gleaming smile and newly touched up roots. Heidi swings by Audrina's with a flimsy motive: picking up an old mirror. When Lauren returns, Audrina confesses to her that Heidi sat on their couch. Audrina is now dead to Lauren, Lauren just won't say it. Peeking out sheepishly from under five layers of Lash-Blast Mascara, Audrina gives her defense, and a summation of this entire episode: "It's just weird." Amen.