MAYERIED Jen, John, in Touch (Photo: In Touch Weekly)

Jen, 39, and John, 30 (ooh, sexy age difference!), met on a fix-up by mutual buddy Sheryl Crow (Star, In Touch), or began an Internet flirtation after meeting six months ago (Us), or met about a year earlier through business associates (Life & Style). All the mags agree Jen invited John down to the sunshine state and suggested they get together when she heard he was going to be in town for something else. That or John asked Jen if he could come visit. The two spent an intense four days together, enjoying 400 meals at the city's hottest eateries, rubbing suntan lotion on each other's toned bodies poolside at her hotel, and shopping at the local Publix. It must be serious; no one has ever seen these two buy groceries, ever.

The Bauer sister sibs—Life & Style and In Touch—somehow both manage to run the same "World Exclusive" set of photos of the couple lounging around the Mandarin Oriental's pool and playing with their coffee cups at the hotel's Café Sambal restaurant. Meanwhile, the other glossies are forced to Photoshop together various shots of bikini-clad Jen and John (minus a few tattoos) from separate beach stock. Everyone scores tons of eyewitnesses/waiters/pool boys to talk about how cutesy the couple was—"She giggled; they looked like they were on a date!" And In Touch splashes across the cover that they get John to "talk about his sexy weekend with Jennifer Aniston;" Translation, when the mag's reporter bombarded song boy at LaGuardia Airport on Monday, he brushed her away and said, "My weekend was good."

Despite all this, no one thinks that the couple can go the distance. John's buddy tells Us, "He's a real ladies man. It won't last." And John does have a pattern of bad behavior. Life & Style points out that he once joked in a stand-up act that sex with his ex Jennifer "Love My Curves" Hewitt was somehow akin to food poisoning. While a "friend" of John's other ex, Jessica Simpson, laments to OK! that John was all into Jess, and then just dropped her: "He got bored and stopped returning her calls."

But the most damning piece of evidence comes in the form of a quote about Jen's arch nemesis Angelina Jolie that John gave during a pot-infused 2006 Rolling Stone interview (We especially enjoy the way In Touch and Us paraphrase for the PG crowd). "Everyone thinks that Brad Pitt has it great because he's with Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible. Because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blowjob, what do you tip your head back and think about to help you finish." Now those are the words of a classy keeper, Jen.