THE 70-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN (in waxing terms, that is) Ford

• Turn a profit on your pain: Two women have created a website, ExBoyfriendJewelry.com, where women can post and sell the gifts leftover from relationships gone sour. There's already a surplus of left earrings, thanks.

• Foxy locks : Cody Willard, host of Fox Business' Happy Hour reads Women's Wear Daily, wears pre-distressed shoes, and entrusts the care of his luxurious tresses to one Frederique of an upscale downtown salon.

• Whatchu fightin' 'bout, Willis?: Gary Coleman and 23-year-old his wife of eight months will appear on Divorce Court to work out their irreconcilably different strokes.

• Emo vacay or bender?: Reported missing by his publicist yesterday, Orlando Brown of Disney Channel's That's So Raven, turned up today, safe and sound, claiming he needed some time alone after being snubbed at an event. Mmm kay.

• Should I stay or should I bro?: A song inspired by the infamous Taser incident from way back in 2007 entitled "Don't Tase Me Bro" will be on former Clash member Mick Jones' upcoming CD.

• Art or Shvart?: The New York Times calls bunk on Yale student Aliza Shvarts, saying that her alleged abortion sculpture was probably just a heavy period piece. And when the New York Times says your abortion art is merely period art, well, it's time to pack up your uterus and switch your major to women's studies.