With an alarmingly tight-faced Dolly Parton at the helm as mentor, the three words that best describe last night's American Idol, now down to its top nine, would be good but forgettable. This late in the season, there's no breakaway winner in the pack, and even the writers are bored. When Ryan Seacrest's lame opener announced that the show was being pre-empted by the "American League of Vocal Coaches" and being replaced with a Moment of Truth celebrity edition with Simon Cowell, it was the show's April Fools joke! Get it?

Parton, who despite her questionable plastic surgery, has a personality cuter than ever, has penned more than 3,000 songs in her career. The contestants had plenty to work with in her songbook—after the jump, snap judgments on each of the performances:

Brooke White: Singing the desperately-in-love woman's anthem "Jolene," and with a voice well-suited to the song, White should have knocked this one out of the park. Instead, she sounded a bit off and didn't put any emotion into it—something Cowell quickly mentioned in his critique. As she looks like she's never had an angry thought in her life, White may have simply been too nice to sing this anthem of jealousy and desperation. The performance should be good enough for one more week though and White continues her streak of turning popular songs into palatable folk-pop.

David Cook: This year's resident rocker was sporting a new haircut and did his own arrangement of "Little Sparrow." Using a little more convincing falsetto than he has before, Cook should remain near the front of the pack with a solid performance. But does he or does he not recall Nickelback's Chad Kreoger, in that if you sing anything in a husky rocker voice, you'll sound pretty okay? In any case, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul liked the performance, and Cowell offered a non-committal "If you can make a song about sparrows good—and you did—congratulations." Expect Cook to stick around one more week, though rumor has it, he was taken to the hospital after the show, but is now doing fine.

Ramiele Malubay: Poor little Malubay bounced her way through "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind," and in doing so probably bounced herself into the bottom three. Though Parton said during their rehearsal time that her size "won't stop her from doing big things," Malubay struggled with key and pitch problems, and often neglecting to sing into the mic. Overall, a yawn.

Jason Castro: Castro chose "Travelin' Through" but besides some bongos that added a bit of a reggae spin to the song, he didn't stand out in a significant way. Still, he looked and sounded more confident than performances past, holding notes a bit longer than normal and stretching his range, something Abdul, for once, correctly noted. During his performance, I realized that him and Jack Johnson should probably just team up and take over the world with laid-back surfer dude brand of tunes.

Carly Smithson: By far the most seasoned performer in the group, Smithson sang "Here You Come Again." Though I wish she had chosen something a bit more fun for her incredible voice, Smithson hit an amazing note near the end that took the song to another level. This week's performance proved that she definitely deserves to be in the top three. Plus—girly note!—her makeup looked amazing!

David Archuleta: The youngest singer of season seven took on "Smoky Mountain Memories" and said it reminded him of his family in Utah, even though the song deals with moving West and finding your dreams because you've been so poor. I thought Cowell would call him on that—usually he's big on "connecting with the song"—but no such luck. It was no matter, since Archuleta sang the living crap out of the song and earned the praise of all three judges.

Side note: At this point, the camera cut to Michael Kors sitting in the audience and looking like he was having a great time. He's an American Idol fan? Sweet delight!

Kristy Lee Cook: Taking the stage barefoot, Cook sang "Coat Made of Colors." Proving just how poor of a performer she is, the country girl failed to excite anyone with a country song . Jackson said she found her "wheelhouse" and Abdul said it was her "best performance yet," but Cowell hit the nail on the head when he said it was "forgettable, sorry!" I have a sneaking suspicion though that voters will find it good enough to keep her one more week, especially since Malubay was so bad. Should I be proven correct, this will officially solidify Cook's place as this year's Sanjaya Malakar.

Syeesha Mercado: Mercado dared go where no other performer would, taking on "I Will Always Love You." With both the Parton and Whitney Houston versions to choose from, Mercado said she would stick to the middle ground between the two. But by the second verse, it was clear she was going straight after Whitney. Though she sounded great, she would have been better off sticking closer to the original, as by the end, you couldn't help but think there are few who can touch Ms. Houston.

Michael Johns: Closing out the show, the Aussie sang "It's All Wrong, But It's all Right." Johns mentioned he was a huge Parton fan, telling her he attended one of her concerts in 1986, and Parton was duly impressed, even offering to write songs for Johns should he win. No small compliment. Johns delivered a solid performance, despite his tendency to make John Mayer-like singing faces and dance around like Michael Hutchins. Quick, other than Olvia Newton-John, name an Aussie who can dance.

Overall, a solid show. On the merits of performance alone, the bottom three should consist of Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, and Jason Castro—but Castro's female teenage fans will probably keep him around another week. With judging taking place tonight, we'll see what injustice America commits this week.