"This is officially the strangest show we've ever done." Those words from judge Simon Cowell made for a good summary of Neil Diamond night on American Idol, a tightly packed—for once!—hour in which each of the final five singers had two chances to make Neil Diamond contemporary.

More on that in a moment.

What officially made the show the strangest its ever been was ever-batty judge Paula Abdul. Like most viewers, we spent a good portion of Abdul's airtime searching her eyes for signs of an earlier drug binge, and though it cannot be verified, Abdul's utter senselessness hinted at a pill-popping session of Anna Nicole magnitude, culminating in one of her worst gaffes ever: critiquing a performance that hadn't even happened yet.

Here's how it went down: The show was structured so that each of the final five sang a song, lined up to receive a quick critique, and then came back to sing their second song in the typical AI sing and then stand-for-your-beatdown format.

Jason Castro opened the show with "Forever in Blue Jeans," followed by David Cook singing "I'm Alive," Brooke White flailing wildly on "I'm A Believer," David Archuleta belting bar anthem "Sweet Caroline," and Syesha Mercado giving "Hello Again" a go.

Then all three judge delivered their feedback. Randy Jackson basically only liked David Cook and David Archuleta. Then Abdul: She told Jason Castro that his first song was so-so, but then said, "on your second song, your usual charm was missing." She railed on about the non-performance over the growing titters (yes, there were titters) of the audience but finally wrapped it up. Then Jackson had to clarify that only one song had been sung. Clearly confused, Abdul pretended to check notes and seemed genuinely befuddled and finally exclaimed "This is hard!" and "We only had a half hour to write our thoughts down!" Cowell, in a feat of restraint he's likely never before undertaken, kept himself from making any kind of comment so that he could give each Idol his two cents—he hated everyone. The show's producers and Ryan Seacrest wisely chose not to address Abdul's mistake again.

After the break, before which Cowell warned that each singer better have the "performance of their life," Jason Castro took the stage for his real second performance, warbling his way through "September Morn." All three judges concurred that they did not enjoy it. Luckily, David Cook picked up the pace with a rocking version of "All I Need Is You," which Jackson deemed "blazing," and Cowell said "was brilliant."

Brooke White returned to her comfort zone with "I Am I Said." Jackson and Abdul said she was in her element, meaning she was the sweet girl behind a piano singing a tune that makes her "vulnerable." Next, and avoiding what could have been a horrifically cheesy performance, David Archuleta earned the praise of all judges with "America," during which he thankfully stayed away from any kind of fist-pumping "...today!" notes.

Finally, Syesha Mercado closed with "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime," which allowed her to showcase the actress/singer schtick she's now perfected, but had Cowell predicting that "she might be in danger."

With nary an ounce of filler in sight, the show concluded. Based on the merits of performance, Jason Castro and either Brooke White or Syesha Mercado should be in the bottom two tonight, but both Castro and White have huge followings comprised of little girls—never to be underestimated. This will be a close call. We'll also be treated to a performance by Neil Diamond, who seemed very sweet as a mentor. Hopefully, he doesn't take the stage wearing any of the shiny, fringe shirts pictured throughout his montage. Or wait: hopefully he does do that.