The scandal Gods have little love for the glossies this week—they were too busy serving up their-Eliot Spitzer Daylight Savings Surprise to those who like their high-profile hijinks with a heaping helping of news. The result is a mixed bag. Us Weekly has the lesser Simpson sister discussing her makeover; Matthew McConaughey shares failed birth control horror, er, "Baby Joy" with In Touch. And with its first "Stars Without Make-up" cover of '08, Star proves yet again that celebrities often look better in professionally shot photo spreads where they've spent heavily on hair and make-up than they do when chatting on cell phones while looking for their cars in gym parking lots.

The result is that dirty dancer Patrick Swayze's pancreatic cancer gets a good deal of ink. There's really not a whole lot to snark about here, as Us and OK! point out in nearly identical info boxes, pancreatic cancer is not the disease of choice for those who want to live long lives (if given the choice, go with Grey's Anatomy star Eric Dane's courageous battle with a cancerous cold sore), but there is something inherently interesting about the ways in which the weekly warriors chose to deal with something seriously sad that has nothing to do with Jen Aniston's supposed pain over Brangelina's baby bump.

Sentiment runs high as Patrick's neighbors, as well as actors cornered by glossy reporters on the red carpet, offer their variations of the following quotes: "I'm shocked to hear about Patrick's cancer, in part because he always looked healthy and in part because I hadn't thought about him in 15 years." Or, "I hope that he gets better, now may I please pull into my driveway before my takeout gets cold/proceed on the carpet to the real reporters—the ones with the TV cameras."

Us Weekly gets the Ghost star's acting coach and sister-in-law on the record. Sister pubs Life & Style and In Touch nab Susan Sarandon. OK! gets quotes from a supporting character from Dirty Dancing and the producer of a movie called Powder Blue, which no one has ever heard of. They also "exclusively" report that, despite rumors, Patrick is not involved in the movie Fired Up. They can also exclusively report that he is not going to star opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in updated remake of Kramer Vs. Kramer.

While three out of five weeklies play it straight, Life & Style takes an odd angle pointing out that just three days before news of Patrick's pummeled pancreas hit, Jeff Healey, Pat's co-star from1989's Road House died of a cancer he'd been struggling with since childhood. Is there a Road House Curse? L&S earnestly asks an unnamed Swayzee source. Hmm, we're tempted to say "No" in a flat deadpan, but perhaps we'll put a pin in this discussion and revisit if Kelly Lynch comes down with something.

Star magazine gets points, or demerits, as the case may be, for going it's "Patrick Swayze Miracle Baby" header. There are several facets making this story squirminlgy insensitive, not the least of which is that after suffering through two miscarriages, Pat and his wife of 32 years, Lisa Neiemi, are not expecting (lots of non-story scoops this week), though the couple has both made comments about wanting children. The story then goes on to quote Patrick's pals as saying that adopting a child now could "motivate him even further in his brave battle against cancer." Yeah, do they just hand over kids to cancer patients? Doesn't it just kind of feel like this guy is saying, "Not only are you maybe dying, but you forgot to have children?" On the plus side, Star also reports Lisa Marie Presley is preggers with twins, mayhap she can give one to the Swayzes or maybe Brad and Angie can loan them a child—they always seem to have a few spares lying around.