TAIL AND TWO CITIES Represent!

After a short hiatus, the Hills has returned to MTV. And with the return of America's best fake reality show about fashion interns ever, so returns our enthusiasm for a little conceit called NYC vs. L.A. This week: Spitzer's melancholy whores dominate the NYC tabs, and the O.C. bids farewell to its favorite self-loathing Mexican.

NYC: Like a phoenix from the ashes, blogger and NYC narcissist-about-town before-it-was-cool-to-be-a- narcissist-about-town Stephanie Klein reemerges with a new book, reminding us all that, prior to winning our hearts with her particular brand of self-absorption, she used to be fat.
L.A.: Gustavo Arellano, alternative-weekly columnist and prominent Mexican, signs off with his last "Ask a Mexican" column ever. One of his final issues to solve: Why are gay Mexican men so ... como se dice ... unreliable? His response: "Queer: Maybe your flaky Mexican papis chulos just don't think you're their cup of horchata and are too kind to tell you in person."
Advantage: L.A.

NYC: The New York Times gets rickrolled. Next up, an insightful Sunday Styles feature on the startling correlation between homosexuality in college males and the frequency with which they have been "meatspun."
L.A.: The Los Angeles Times reports that Sean "Diddy" Combs was involved in the 1994 murder of Tupac Shakur. Puffy got mad. The Times, being a typical white paper, clutched its handbag a little closer and said, sorry, Puffy. Loved your work on Making the Band: 3.
Advantage: NYC

NYC: New Yorkers grapple with a shocking revelation: former governor Eliot Spitzer was not a one-whore man.
L.A.: The O.C. has to deal with a rotting baby whale carcass, which washed up on its pristine white-sand beach. Dudes, bonfire canceled.
Advantage: L.A.

NYC: Headline of note: "Ivana-fiance row draws cops." But only because, when I first read it, I thought it said "Ivana-fiance raw dogs cops."
L.A.: Headline of note: "Apology wanted for airport nipple ring incident"
Advantage: L.A.

FINAL SCORE:
NYC:1
L.A.: 3

Not even the promise of Ivana Trump's risky bareback behavior could save NYC from this sad, soggy, whore-filled week. Tune in next week as the battle rages on....