BLEU BALLS LC, Divello (inset) (Photo: Getty Images)

Ohmygod, hello again, old friend! My life was getting so bleak and re-run-filled, I wanted to thank you so much for bringing The Hills back with these super special bonus episodes—or whatever you're calling them.

Anyway, Paris! What a dream for Lauren Conrad. A total fairy tale. But seriously, she can be one ditzy princess. Repeat after me, LC: Always stick to your itinerary, never leave hot curling irons near fancy dresses, and don't ever believe that a smoke-filled French night club requires you wear a whip-stitched zillion dollar ball gown to meet the dress code. Divello, did you have to foot the bill for the ruined first dress? Bummer with the exchange rate, I bet. Besides that, Lauren looked great last night. Losing those six pounds has really made a world of difference for her. Did you ask her to do that? If you did, totally good call.

Meanwhile, Heidi looked a wee bit worse for wear, but she's obviously got a lot going on right now. She did act very brave when she skied right off that lift in Crested Butte, though! And camo pants? I'm surprised Spencer found her at all.

Now, I want to talk about Whitney for a moment. Last night had me wondering if she's really been a super secret frenemy to Lauren all along. Like, she kept bringing up the Brody shit last night, and I was like, are you trying to make Lauren cry? Are you trying to make me cry? I really don't know what to think of her constant undermining. Any help or clarification you can offer would be much appreciated, Divello.

Anyway, back to Lauren ... and French guys. At first, I was like, "French guys, hot!" But, then, watching the show I was like, "not hot." Skinny pants in America, even in Brooklyn, are one thing. The French take it too far. Their pants are so tight, just looking at them is like getting dry-humped. The hairy guy on the Vespa was kind of cute, but he bared too much chest piece at the club and delivered the cheesiest come-ons—it was so obvi he just wanted Lauren to scale his Eiffel Tower. But, even worse was that unfortunate ponytail-ed escort dude who would not leave Lauren alone. Back to Vespa dude: I felt like after he picked LC up at midnight, she sort of needed to seal it with kiss. Not for him, or anything, but for viewers. After we endured so many episodes of her non-chemistry with Brody Jenner, I think we've earned it. Adam, can you please get Lauren to not be such a prude in the next episode? I think a little action would be good for the Lauren Conrad brand.

Thanks!
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