Americans want choices, and this week's tabloid covers happily oblige. Star and OK! represent the old guard with Brangie secrets, "Blow up Over Wedding" and "Secret Baby Vows" respectively. Life & Style spends some time at home with TomKat, Us is the voice of a new generation with something about that Hills star with the fake tits. While In Touch goes with the classic Britney Spears crazy—was she raped? Does anyone in the Western World care anymore (unless of course it's true)?

Or maybe it's not that Americans want choices. Maybe it's that they don't know what they want. Take for example Kate Hudson, who ekes out teasers on four out of five covers. She wore a red bikini in Miami, while her ex-boyfriend/sad clown Owen Wilson went running on the beach in the very same city—what does it all mean?

In Touch manages to fashion a two-page spread over the fact that Kate's appearance in the red thong seems to indicate that she is not, in fact, pregnant—this comes after weeks of people not in any related to the Fool's Gold actress claiming that she looked baby-bumpy. "There is no truth behind it," Kate's brother Oliver tells the mag, giving the official non-confirmation. And Kate and Owen appear to be back together. Though no one saw them together, apparently they both did not attend Demi Moore's Flawless party. What more proof does one need?

Meanwhile, OK! isn't ready to abandon the potential pregnancy. They run a whole series of photos of Ms. Hudson in frumpy clothes as if to validate the knocked-up claims. While they acknowledge that she did in fact go to Miami and wear a red bikini, they run a photo of her looking especially slouchy, where it looks as if Kate might have an itty-bitty teeny-weeny burgeoning bump—or just really bad posture. As for Owen, OK! has several friends of friends of friends of Kate's mamma Goldie Hawn speculating that Goldie's not pleased with the Great Owen-Kate reconciliation: "I'm sure she doesn't want to see Kate back in that kind of chaotic relationship." Hmm, hasn't Britney sort of trademarked the word chaotic?

Us, still a buck more than Life & Style, claims that Owen and Kate turned their mutual work in Miami into a secret romantic rendezvous. So secret, in fact, that they have no details on it.

Star takes a fitness angle with their Kate-in-the-red-bikini pic. "I work out all the time, but I'm not worried about looking less than perfect," Kate says. Presumably she does not say this to anyone at Star magazine, as the rag doesn't say, "Kate tells Star exclusively." You know what helps keep you in shape, by the way? Not being knocked up.

But it's Life & Style who takes the creativity award for its "When Jessica Found Out about Justin and Kate" cover. Based on the Kate bikini/Owen running photos, L&S comes to the conclusion that bump-watch is over and that Jessica Biel is mad that her man Justin Timberlake had an "intimate lunch" with Kate Hudson at a Whole Foods in NYC. (Intimate? Nothing says romance like that salad bar and rows of drinks devoid of artificial sweeteners). Apparently Jess made Justin promise that he would never again entertain the company of Ms. Hudson in trans-fat-free venues. Run Owen, Run!