The tabloids seemed to answer a phantom challenge this week—construct a narrative that involve the following elements:
• Angelina Jolie wears a pregnancy revealing black dress to the film Independent's Spirit Awards on February 23.
• Angelina and Brad Pitt do not attend The Night Before charity Oscar party also on the 23rd despite being listed as "hosts" along with Brad ex-er Jennifer Aniston, thus averting the first meeting of Angelina and Jen since Angie snagged Brad.
• Jennifer Aniston attends said charity party
• George Clooney must be present
• Utilize at least one gynecologist currently not treating anyone in the story
• Must use quotes from at least three "onlookers"
• Must include at least two alliterative phrases

Life & Style: An onlooker reports that Angie was purposely turning sideways on the red carpet to showcase her "baby bump," and Gyno Randy Fink, who's seen Angelina Jolie in the movies, says she's four months preggers.

Star: Despite already parenting four children together, Angelina's pregnancy (announced silently and smugly via the form-fitting Indy Award show dress) has convinced her to go ahead and marry Brad. They're working out a prenump; don't expect them to have a ceremony or wear rings or actually say that they're married. Brad and Angie's bailing on The Night Before party leaves Jen the "Belle of the Ball," she spends the night with Sex and the City hottie, Jason Lewis.

OK!
Jen spends weeks eating nothing but protein and fruit and doing yoga in preparation for the "Star Showdown" with Ange, but is ultimately relieved when Brad and his baby mamma don't show. The former friend flirts her way through the shindig with Orlando Bloom and Jake Gyllenhaal, snubs Brad pal George Clooney, leaving him to make awkward small talk with David Arquette. Jen then spends Oscar night with a "mystery man" and will probably hook up with Owen Wilson on the set of Marly & Me. On a somehow related note, an onlooker reports, "Angie is the sexiest pregnant woman ever."

In Touch: After speaking with soldiers in Iraq earlier in the month, Angelina Jolie gives into Brad's marriage proposal. A "friend" reports, "Angie says, 'no white dress, no flowers, no gift registry." In fact, the wedding is so secret that even Brad and Angie don't know anything about it. Showing up at the Spirit Awards while visibly pregnant stole the thunder of Jen flirting with Orlando Bloom.

Us (Still a buck more than Life & Style): Their expert puts Ange at nearly six months pregnant; Maddox buys a pack of gum that says, "I heart my Penis." Jen was snubbed by George Clooney (and not the other way around, thank you very much), but managed to carry on and flirt with Orlando Bloom. Oh yeah, and Robert Greene—who wrote some book about power relationships and think that the preview for Wanted looks pretty interesting—explains that Angelina not showing up at the party was a not just avoiding an awkward situation but a Machiavelli-style power play to keep the upper hand.

For next week's tabloid fan fic challenge, the glossies will work on stories tha incorporate the following elements: Britney Spears hair extensions, the seven founding members of the Justice League, a relationship expert who's heard about Jennifer Lopez, a tampon, ball of twine, Oscar Jewelry, and any phrase containing a palindrome.