It just keeps getting worse. Jay Leno is still filling his show's segments with assorted wild animals, and people for some reason continue to watch. This week, a big brown bear ate a marshmallow from Jay's mouth! It's true! As if that weren't enough, Jay also sat down with—tah-dah!—Tom Green, who mentioned that Norm MacDonald recently visited his show! You can't make this stuff up. Jay then acted like a rejected high school cheerleader and was, like, "Norm wouldn't come on my show because of the strike." Sigh. Seriously, there's enough shit bringing you down out there that you shouldn't have to deal with Leno's many, many sadnesses. Do yourself a favor, go to bed early.

MONDAY
David Letterman: Jessica Alba (angry pregnant woman), Julie Chen (anchor of CBS Early Show)
Craig Ferguson: Denis Leary (not to be confused with Timothy), Bonnie Somerville (Cashmere Mafia's pseudo lesbo)
Jay Leno: Chazz Palminteri (see previous, teller of Bronx Tales), Alison Sweeney (Biggest Loser)
Conan O'Brien: Jim Gaffigan (comedian), Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell (not to be confused with Val Kilmer)
Jimmy Kimmel: Rerun! Jay Leno, Hannah Teter
Jon Stewart: Phil Simms (former NFL quarterback)
Stephen Colbert: Rick Warren (non-fundamentalist bible-thumping author of A Purpose Driven Life)

Winner for the night: Oh, let's go with Letterman. It's always fun to watch Dave be kinda awkward, kinda creepy, and kinda cute with a pretty young thing.

TUESDAY
David Letterman: Bill Cosby (Reagan-era African American doctor), Lake Bell (Boston Legal eagle)
Craig Ferguson: Raquel Welch (she who doesn't age gracefully), San Diego Charger Antonio Gates (jock)
Jay Leno: Lester Holt (NBC Nightly News Anchor), Blue Ribbon Baker Marjorie Johnson (in lieu of animals, you can also fill a lot of time by cooking on a show)
Conan O'Brien: David Gregory (MSNBC's merkin), Travis Pastrana (motorsports dude), Kate Walsh (had a career, gave it up for Private Practice)
Jimmy Kimmel: Hulk Hogan (rare democrat-endorsing action star), Niki Taylor (co-host of Bravo's most insipid reality show)
Jon Stewart: Doris Kearns Goodwin (remember that huge biography of Lincoln you meant to read? She wrote it)
Stephen Colbert: Joe Quesada (EIC Marvel Comics), Jon Stewart Comedy Central bud), Alex Ross (author, The Rest Is Noise)

Winner for the night: Jimmy wins by the action hero endorsement rule. Hulk breaks the GOP streak for his muscle men brethren, saying he's for Obama. Honorable mention to Colbert for showing an amazing '80s video of him "discovering" Conan O'Brien.

WEDNESDAY
David Letterman: Dr. Phil McGraw (Britney interloper), Lena Headey (Linda Hamilton impersonator)
Craig Ferguson: Jessica Alba (angry pregnant woman, see above), Adam Arkin (Brooklyn Boy)
Jay Leno: Dave Salmoni and Animals ("Fun, Fearless, Male" and exotic species), Tom Green (endangered feces)
Conan O'Brien: Jeff Corwin (another animal dude), Colin Hanks (son of Tom)

Jimmy Kimmel: Rerun! See above: Hulk Hogan (rare democrat-endorsing action star), Niki Taylor (co-host of Bravo's most insipid reality show)
Jon Stewart: Karen Tumulty (Time Political Correspondent with access to Obama and Ted Kennedy)
Stephen Colbert: Carl Hiaasen (author of Nature Girl), Frans de Waal (monkey brain)

LOSER for the night: Leno. We like animals, but we don't want to watch them on TV every week.

THURSDAY
David Letterman: Eva Longoria Parker (low on talent, high on publicity)
Craig Ferguson: Julia Louis-Dreyfus (see previous: Elaine Benes forever), Lindsay Sloane
Jay Leno: John McCain, Rudy Giuliani (delusional possible McCain running mate)
Conan O'Brien: Dr. Phil (Britney interlope, see above), David Borgenicht (Unpredictable Disaster)
Jimmy Kimmel: Stephen Baldwin (onscreen tranny lover), Audrina Patridge (Hills tardette), Todd Glass (comedian)
Jon Stewart: Peggy Noonan (WSJ)
Stephen Colbert: Tim Harford (author The Logic of Life, Judge Anthony Napolitano (author, A Nation of Sheep)

Winner for the night: Do you even have to ask? Kimmel! Last Thursday he had on Heidi, this Thursday, Audrina. We're cheap and easy, we'll watch The Hills try to coherently answer questions any day. Bonus: they're probably not too concerned about crossing picket lines, whatever those are. How creeped out were we when Rudy strolled on The Tonight Show, which has been keeping its guests on the DLs strikes name. We take back everything we said about Jay's animals. We'd much rather see furry friends than Giuliani before we drift off to sleep.

GRAND PRIZE WEEKLY WINNER!!!
Kimmel! We'll give it to a kid. Jay should take note: Jimmy is turning to MTV reality kids and a Baldwin. How long with the lizards, Leno?