At 5 a.m. on Friday, the doors open for President Bush's speech, which defends his decision to invade Iraq and trashes the Democrats. The crowd chants, "W! W! W!" (This is according to MSNBC. No way am I waking up before sunrise for this torture.) Bush tells the audience, "My energy is up, my spirit is high, and I will finish strong," which is maybe what a few of the college Republicans in attendance told their bathroom lovers last night. (We kid! Mostly.)

The enormous photographs of aborted fetuses are no longer outside. In their place is a man with a scraggly beard who holds a protest sign. Just like the candidates inside CPAC, this man is running for high office, but with one difference: "I live on the streets of D.C. in order to facilitate my campaign." (Who cares about the first black or woman president when we can have our first drifter president?)

Inside the hotel, Wayne LaPierre, the CEO of the National Rifle Association, bashes the Supreme Court. Unfortunately for irony, the metal detectors from this morning have been taken away.

Rep. Mike Pence of Indiana proclaims that Republicans "cannot allow a President Obama or another President Clinton" because they will "retreat and defeat" in Iraq, and "work every day to promote abortion at home and abroad." (Yes, they will trek across the globe with vacuum cleaners, hunting for preggos.) Pence explains that conservatives stand for "liberty and limited government," and then—without any irony—calls for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. Apparently liberty is expendable when it's not "ordained by God"—or at least your proctologist.

Receiving the CPAC Blogger of the Year award, Ace from Ace of Spades says: "When's Reagan coming [back]? He is unlikely to show up for a generation...." Is this guy suggesting that Reagan is the messiah? Or some kind of zombie? Or both?

Conservative celebrities are ubiquitous: former Rep. Tom DeLay (who blamed the Columbine massacre on the teaching of evolution), undiplomatic diplomat John Bolton, Unhinged author (and unhinged author) Michelle Malkin, Equal Rights Amendment opponent Phyllis Schlafly and Clinton stalker and/or stalkee Kathleen Willey.

Ann Coulter, who caused a media firestorm last year at CPAC after referring to Sen. John Edwards as a "faggot," signs books. I want to ask Coulter how I can best "perfect" myself, but the line to meet her is a mile long.

Students for Academic Freedom founder David Horowitz instructs the audience, "When you see an Islamic fascist, call him that." He demands that College Democrats "repudiate Hamas and Hezbollah," because—as everyone knows—wanting your grandmother to receive Social Security benefits means that you loathe the Jewish people.

Author Dinesh D'Souza, who released a book last year that infamously rationalized Al Qaeda's core beliefs—you see, it wasn't really terrorists who caused 9/11; it was liberals—sneers at "suave" New Atheists such as Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Christopher Hitchens. He criticizes our belief in "faith-based" evolution, downplays the significance of the Salem witch trials and—get this, David Horowitz—questions whether the Spanish Inquisition "counts as a great historical crime."

Someone distributes a pamphlet that suggests terrorist "training facilities" are located "across America ... with thousands of trained members, ready to strike us in our homes, churches, synagogues—wherever we are." Furthermore, "the threat of an organized Islamic attack upon our school children" is something that should keep us up at night. Kind of like how our school children have the boogeyman to keep them up at night. Why should adults be any different?

Anti-Hillary Clinton activists promote stophernow.com and sell Hillary nutcrackers. The Republicans in attendance have a burning religious hatred for the New York senator, but of course they confess that they want her to win the primary. (They probably want her to win the election so they have a continued reason to live.)

The only black man I see over the course of the day cleans the restroom. At a nearby bar a public school teacher serves drinks to pay her rent. But don't pay attention to the world outside CPAC because there are entitlements to slash and a Big Guv'ment to shrink. What would Zombie Reagan do?