This week, the glossy celeb mags are all about the trauma facing in-utero Hollywood spawn.

In Touch has a cover about teen-pregnancy poster child Jamie Lynn Spears "Secret Double Life!" By day, she's a mild-mannered Zoey 101 star, but by night she dons a cape and cowl and keeps the streets of Gotham safe—oops, we mean by night she sends sexy pictures of herself to boys other than claimed baby dady Casey Aldridge and is romancing a friend of rapper Lil' Romeo. After the 16-year-old pregnancy, though, what's the big whoop about a few naughty pics?

Meanwhile, topless millionaire playboy Matthew McConaughey's on-the-waby with gal pal Camila Alves is in danger of being a bastard (this is the correct usage of the term, though we may have used it incorrectly once or twice in reference to various erstwhile lovers). Matt's mamma, his gal's mamma, and Camila herself are hoping that he'll make an honest woman of her before she drops, but according to his friend, "He likes feeling in control. He's afraid that if he has a piece of paper that says he has to stay he'll want to bolt. He likes the idea of staying in a relationship because it is his choice to be there and not because he has a document that says he has to be." Hmm, the logic to that almost works.

Life & Style has a split cover with dual pregnancy drama for Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez. Some hospital in Long Island has been running "Code Pink" drills to prepare for the birth and potential kidnapping of the J. Lo/Marc Anthony twins. Is it just us or does Jenny from the block seem to have roughly the same gestation period of an elephant—hasn't she been preggers for a year at least? On her return trip home from Iraq, Angie had a nosebleed and needed some oxygen. A gyno (not treating Ms. Jolie, of course) confirms that voluntarily traipsing through a war zone is not usually recommended during the first trimester. L&S then dedicates a two-page spread to other poor prenatal things Ange is doing, including the scheduled face-off with Jennifer Aniston this week.

Speaking of team Aniston, Star says that everyone's favorite cautionary tale celebrated her 39th birthday by freezing her eggs in an effort to guarantee that despite Jenn's inability to keep a man, the world will not be denied the next generation of pointy-chinned comedic actresses. Apparently Jenn is so busy working that she forgot to have kids—but here's a question: Can anyone name an Aniston movie they've seen? Also in Star, Juno-incarnate, Jamie Lynn Spears has apparently been wrapping ace bandages around her belly to hide her burgeoning baby bump—despite Star's tendency toward, uh, making crap up, we sort of totally believe that.

Us actually has a two-page pregnancy meter spread ranging from the "Flat-Out-Denial"—Eva Longoria Parker, Katie Holmes— to the confirmed—Jessica Alba and Gwen Stefani. What we find the most disturbing is their use of a home pregnancy test wand in their layout. And now we can't stop picturing these people peeing on a plastic stick.