XOXO Gossip Girls

In the winter finale of "television's biggest phenomenon" (CW's words, not ours) last night, the show eschewed those usual finale cliffhangers in favor of messy endings: Maybe, just maybe, Blair was pregnant. But then no, she wasn't. Sort of a bummer, because while the movies have been filled with accidental pregnancies recently, we were really thirsting for a good old-fashioned Julia-Party-of-Five-but-rich-teen-pregnancy story line. We dreamed of Blair and Serena skipping off to the UES abortion clinic in designer duds, and Blair sitting on the table in one of her kooky, Victorian child outfits, while Serena held her trembling bitch hand like the former-slut-with-the heart-of-gold-that she is.

Spoiler warning: This is not what happened.

Aside from one prime moment when Blair's mom accused her of having a bulimia episode and we wondered if it wasn't really her index finger but morning sickness that had Blaire vom-ing into the toilet, we were denied your typical teen pregnancy scare pleasures. But, morning sickness-bulimia confusion = brilliant. Pay these writer people more.

And yeah, Chuck and Nate finally figured out that they had both dipped their sticks in Blair's until-recently pure honeypot. And the whole school found out that Blair isn't just mean, but also slutty. And these two girls we can't really remember seeing on the show before suddenly appeared and dethroned Blair from her position as Official Prep School Queen Bitch.

Blair is so distraught, she decides she's going to run away to France and live with her gay dad. It's times like these when having a gay dad in France really comes in handy. She's in such a hurry to get out of town that she's taking a helicopter from Manhattan to JFK airport instead of the 40 minute cab ride. Maybe we're just not that well-versed in the ways of the super rich, but that seemed sort of silly. Sort of like the GG producers were trying to craft a weird Sapphic Casablanca-esque finale when Serena swept in at the final moment to beg her friend to stay (she did, no cliffhanger), and the propellers were spinning and it was all sooooo dramatic.

How weird did Serena's nose look last night? The nose work is really beginning to show now. At first, it was a subtle, pleasant shave-down. But now, with the swelling going down down down, she's entering creepy Heidi Montag territory, which, as we all know, is in the neighborhood of Michael Jackson's Nasal Neverland Ranch territory. We sort of miss the old honker. The new one looks like it could be destroyed by a few lines of cheap coke (thank god Serena/Blake Lively probably only gets really good UES shit, but who knows with a boyfriend in Brooklyn) and a rough sample sale.

And oh yeah, the Serena-Dan storyline is getting really boring now that they've boned and know that they know their parents used to bone, too. Their big suspense last night was Dan trying to tell Serena he loved her, and Serena trying to figure out how she would respond because it's so hard to trust and be loved when you are so rich and your mother has been married to so many people and oh god, it's just so hard. And, it just sort of reminded us why we could never have serious relationships in high school because they were just so excruciatingly earnest and boring.

The only real cliffhanger left was a tiny one: Just how Blaire will punish little they-grow-up-so-fast Jenny for telling Nate about her and Chuck? And will Jenny hook it up with Nate now that he's purged Blair once and for all? Do tell Gossip Girl, do tell. We eagerly await the return of your naughty, guilty pleasures.