American Idol went to Omaha, and all it got were 19 contestants for Hollywood and a crapload of lousy auditions (Johnny Escamilla's above, but more on him later). Idol now need only add a cute, obnoxiously precocious little kid—or Scrappy Doo—to make its shark-jumpy season complete.

The show started off with an absentee Paula Abdul, who was apparently stuck (hungover?) on a plane somewhere—meaning the loopiest judge had to miss the loopiest contestant, the amazing exploding Chris Bernheisel. Bernheisel tried bribing the judges. He did a handstand. But nothing could obscure the fact that he is hopelessly tone-deaf. But with this particular audition, Simon Cowell proved once and for all that he's riding a Prozac high of Abdul-like proportions. Obviously charmed by Bernheisel's silliness, Cowell suggested that the flamboyant Kelly Clarkson stalker contact the Omaha Fox affiliate for an on-screen gig hosting the final Idol episode of the season for the local TV audience.

After Bernheisel's happiness exploded all over the screen, the rest of the show was pretty forgettable.There was standard-issue handsome guy; a blonde, broad-shouldered farm girl; and a onetime pro wrestler who used the stage name "Lady Morgue."

Idol weaseled in its usual attempt at tear-jerking with Celine Dion vocal imitator Angelica Puente, who brought her family issues into the audition. She was followed by David Cook, the show's transparent attempt to prove that rockers also think Idol is cool.

Near the end of the show, gold lamé–clad Johnny Escamilla, "one of the weirdest guys you'll ever meet," gave a ridiculous audition that Simon declared to be "everything I hated." Escamilla's audition wasn't half as cringe-inducing as his MySpace page, where he writes of his love for the theater—and video games. "Hardly different from theater, video games have brought me to a level of captivation I never thought possible before in any medium..."