GOT YA DICTATOR RIGHT HERE! Chavez (Photo Getty Images)
In a frenzied quest for a lifetime dictatorship, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called the Catholic Church "mentally retarded," accused CNN of plotting his assassination, blamed his political enemies for a national toilet paper shortage, and threatened to kill his ex-wife for publicly opposing him. And, somehow, it didn't work. Chavez narrowly lost yesterday's national referendum on proposed constitutional changes that would have significantly expanded his presidential powers and eliminated the term limits that currently prevent him from running for another term as president.

The voters of Venezuela, despite his persuasive lunacies and promises of new retirement benefits and a six-hour workday, refused to give Chavez a free hand to pursue his 21st Century Socialism agenda, which includes the construction of large utopian cities in the middle of the jungle and antagonizing the shit out of America by threatening our oil supply.

Chavez had indicated earlier that if the referendum passed, he might consider stepping down from the presidency in 2050, when he's 95 years old. But with yesterday's defeat, Chavez remains on track for retirement at the end of his current term in early 2013—at least for the time being. Earlier this morning, Chavez acknowledged in a televised speech that his power grab was "was quite profound and intense," but said the defeated proposals were "still alive" and indicated that Venezuela may still be destined for a lifelong dictator: "For me, this isn't defeat. This is for now." Then he broke into "Tomorrow" from Annie.