Ahh, the family Spears is the gift that just keeps on giving to OK! Any hard feelings over that whole botched Britney photo shoot back in July—remember the one where the celebrity softie claimed that Brit kept running to the can and used a Gucci gown to scoop dog poop?—are apparently a thing of the past. Little sis Jamie Lynn's account of how she's in family way is so clearly the winner this week, competing rags must lower their heads in collective embarrassment.

Witness the giant hole containing the rest of these weekly warriors! Us Weekly (still $1 more than the Bauer Bunch and OK!) spends a few pages trying to blame Jessica Simpson for the Dallas Cowboys' poor performance Sunday. While neither football experts nor even Jessica junkies, we're going to go out on a limb and say the loss had more to do with Tony Romo throwing three interceptions than with Jess cheering on the quarterback in a perky pink jersey. Likewise, Us Weekly's "Ashley's Nose Drama" story about the High School Musical star's rhinoplasty answers the tough questions and gives multiple plastic surgeons—who did not treat these stars—free publicity in the form of expert quotes.

In Touch, meanwhile, tries to rub Brad and Angie together to start a fire with a Brangelina break-up story: Brad's Left Holding the Kids, While Angelina Parties With Another Man! And so we're left to wallow in the large percentage of weekly glossy ink afforded to schizophrenic beauty image coverage. Again. And we're fine with that.

Life & Style gives four pages to new "scary skinnies" Tara Reid, Ashley Olsen, and Diane Kruger. Plus there's a whole Hills body special! Did Heidi have another boob job? How did LC lose weight (and avoid becoming a scary skinny)? Did Whitney have a nose job?

And Star breaks out a Best and Worst Winter Beach Bodies cover—bear in mind these are winter beach bodies, and thus entirely different than the nine million other best and worst body covers they've put out this year. Though we can't quite figure out why Kate Walsh is in the worst section, we're quite pleased that our thighs are apparently smaller than Vivica A. Fox's. The rag refuses to take a stand on the Jennifer Love Hewitt beach photos, but instead encourages readers to vote on whether or not she's a best or worst body. With so much at stake, this is where democracy really shines!