If your grandma is still alive and her eyesight hasn't failed yet, you've probably seen a copy of Time magazine sitting next to the bowl of sour candy on her coffee table. It's almost time for that august publication to select its Person of the Year, a meaningless accolade that is usually bestowed upon the person or thing that will create the most buzz for Time, a magazine so attuned to the level of sophistication possessed by its readers that it correctly assumes they are the kind of people who find Joel Stein to be a laugh riot. (They do; he is not.)

Who will win the coveted non-award this year? Our experts handicap the race.

Al Gore: Won an Oscar. Won a Nobel. Did a guest spot on 30 Rock. Plus, choosing the almost-president is sure to enrage right-wingers who feel secretly guilty about how badly George W. Bush has fucked up pretty much everything this country used to be about. Almost a no-brainer. (Like George W. Bush.) Odds: 2 to 1. Stephen Colbert: Because Colbert has not received enough publicity this year. Also, magazine editors are inexplicably compelled to put him on the cover. Okay, we get it, he's funny. Stop shoving him down our throats. Odds: 5 to 1.   Rupert Murdoch: Snatched up one of America's most prestigious newspapers. Remained undaunted in his unfettered pursuit of evil. Will apparently never die. Plus, was the subject of a big Time feature story this year, so they've already got the art. Odds: 10 to 1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The Iranian president would be a controversial choice, but given the instability in the Middle East, his dogged pursuit of nuclear weapons, and the furor he caused when he addressed the United Nations, there is a strong case to make that he was one of the year's most influential figures. Sadly, there are way too many letters in his name, so it's not gonna happen. Odds: 50 to 1. The iPhone: Not, technically, a person, but then again neither are the hordes of easily influenced trendwhores who lined up to purchase it and now cannot get through a simple ATM transaction without whipping it out and caressing it while letting you know that they own an iPhone. Turning an entire segment of the population into brainless zombies? Pretty notable. Odds: 100 to 1. Amy Winehouse: Sure, she hasn't really done anything, and that whole "I sound like I came straight out of 1965" shtick is getting a little tired, but the woman has dedicated her career to drinking herself to death for the amusement of the general public. And once her husband goes off to prison there's no telling how much self-degradation she'll be capable of. It's like watching the creation of a gay icon in real time. That's got to count for something, right? No? Okay. Odds: 250 to 1. Angelina Jolie: All right, the Marianne Pearl movie was kind of a drag, and she hasn't adopted anyone else this year, but teen boys everywhere are going to flock to theaters to see her digitized boobies in Beowulf. Plus, she's really hot and is all about refugees and Darfur and stuff, which is good. Unfortunately, as a contributor to the Economist, she represents the competition, so don't expect to see it. Odds: 500 to 1. George W. Bush: Did we mention he has fucked up pretty much everything this country used to be about? Should be worth a nod. Still, would you buy a magazine with this schmuck on the cover? Of course not. Odds: 750 to 1. You: Forget about it. You already won last year! What have you done since then except sit around eating Skittles and watching your ass expand? Exactly. Odds: 1000 to 1.