It's been a piss poor week for the Missouri couple allegedly responsible for using a fake online profile to trick young Megan Meier into thinking they were a teen boy, an act which ended in the fragile girl's suicide. Mind you, the deceptive duo won't even begin to reach the level of misery felt by Megan's actual relatives—they haven't had a good week since the 13-year-old's passing. But as is typically the case with oddball tragedies, the media would rather heap its cracker-jack justice on the offenders while the victims quietly fade away. So press outlets have been skitting about releasing the names of the deadly charade-playing Ohio couple under the pretense of protecting their own daughter. (Folks on the Internet aren't so passive-aggressive.)

Clearly, these bad parents need to be taught a lesson. But law enforcement admits it can't make any charges stick. And media shame only goes so far. So Radar did the only thing left to do: called in a PR pro to advise John and Jane Drew Doe on how, if at all, they could change the general perception that they're "callous, heartless embodiments of evil whose lack of scruple and compassion resulted in a young girl's suicide" to something more restrained (and ultimately better for their own parenting) like "marginally better parents than incest-enforcing cannibals." Who better than Howard Bragman of 15 Minutes PR to help the dastardly Missouri twosome clear the fog of bad press and find their way to healthier parenting?

Worst role models in the galaxy, you're in the PR/ER!

Fix your life
BRAGMAN: "A lot of times when people have problems, they perceive them to be PR problems, but they're not. They're life problems. This family has life problems."

Two words: Family Counseling
"They need to get lots and lots of help internally to resolve their issues of control and nosiness by the mother. What kind of message are you sending to your kids? Why are you in the middle of your kid's life to this extent?"

Stay away from Phil McGraw
"The first thing is to solve your problem, as opposed to going on Dr. Phil. A lot of people confuse going on Dr. Phil with therapy. Media relations is not therapy. Publicity is not therapy. And we shouldn't confuse this stuff."

Stay silent [Ed: And employ metaphor]
"Talking's only going to make it a bigger story. If you talk, it exacerbates the problem. In cases like this, you want to hope the mainstream media is going to have a modicum of privacy and try to give you the courtesy of respect. In the case of your having done something bad and the media's after you, less is more. There's just no reason to make a bigger story out of a smaller story. That's picking a pimple and turning into a scar. It may feel good and it may fell cathartic but it's the difference between an orgasm and love."