Chief among the important things we learned last night while watching The Hills is this: Lauren Conrad does not forgive and she certainly does not forget. The leading lady of MTV's sorta-reality show used last night's as a series of teachable moments for the future Mrs. Spencer Pratt: "Sometimes, whether you did something, or you did nothing, it's just as bad" (think sex tape-rumor distribution) and "Sometimes, when you love people, you want to believe they're good" (think a creepy, beady-eyed freak who looks like he could snap at any moment and strangle the life out of your scrawny body).

With all the hearty jibes, it's increasingly difficult to believe Star's report from last week that Lauren and Heidi may have kissed and made-up. Or maybe it's that we don't want to believe. Truth of the matter is we need to see lines like "I want to forgive, and I want to forget you" play out to the bitterest end.

But rest assured we have plenty to fall back on should those two reconcile, and last night provided a good idea of alternative sources for wit and wisdom.

First, if Justin Bobby tells you he calls you, he calls you. Nobody wants to hear anything more about it.

Second, having people think that you made a sex tape with Jason Wahler is almost impossible to quantify on a scale of suckitude, but it probably falls somewhere between Fred Claus and the Holocaust.

Bonus: A hair care tip from Justin Bobby! If you're trying to get your '90s-era locks to turn into dreads, it's tempting to use that product that helps speed the hippie-process along, but heed JB's sage advice: "That defeats the purpose, dude." (Observe Justin Bobby's use of of not one but TWO multi-syllabic words in a single sentence here—a rare feat.)

Some people, like Audrina, are really excited to get their own cubicle!!! This Thanksgiving, you should be thankful for your own little office-prison-cell.

If you're going to get plastic surgery (COUGH Heidi COUGH), choose a doctor who doesn't have his own IMDB page and/or who hasn't done work on Janice Dickinson. Otherwise, your nose may start to resemble Michael Jackson's.

Finally, when you have an evil fiancé, it's probably best to close all iChat windows on your laptop when you're done. If not, evil fiancé may find "an interesting little iChat" (refer back to possible strangling above).