Looks like the glossies gave their employees Columbus Day off on Monday. And the celebs took a holiday, too. About the only thing that actually happened this week was that coke-y pants Lindsay Lohan left rehab—and gave "first" post-rehab interviews to both In Touch and OK!—and Jennifer Lopez continued to romp about town in tent dresses and not announce that she's pregnant (who knows, maybe the girl just likes her some cupcakes). For the most part, this week's covers are a collection of evergreens designed to make you, the reader, feel better/worse/smug about your body/face/life choices.

Star takes the fun-filled route of pointing out celebrity flaws: Who's really bald? Who goes wild with wax? Who wears a girdle? Who's just plain gross? Now, don't you feel better about your cottage-cheese thighs knowing Courtney Cox has cellulite, too? Go on, you can totally eat that cupcake.

And at the ripe old age of 23, Ashlee Simpson is all about the Botox, claims In Touch's "exclusive" cover. Apparently ever since the lesser-Simpson sis got her schnoz streamlined in 2006, she's been racing back to the make-you-pretty doc to get crap shot into her face and lips. See, just eat the cupcake—if you chub up, you can always find a plastic surgeon to vacuum the fat right out of you!

Meanwhile Life & Style runs with "Best and Worst New Bodies" cover. Ack, look at Tori Spelling's after-baby body; put down that cupcake!

Speaking of new looks, it seems as though some of the mags might have had a little work done over the weekend themselves. Under the direction of In Touch editor Richard Spencer, Life & Style boasts 800 new "style lists" and a brand spanking new logo—is it us or does that pink bog with the serrated font, look a wee bit like dead AMI competitor Celebrity Living? And while Us unceremoniously raised its cover price from $3.49 to $3.99 a few weeks back, OK! now boasts on its cover that you "save a $1.00 compared to Us and People. Sigh. Didn't anyone ever tell OK! that sometimes you get what you pay for? Have a conciliatory cupcake, honey.