A defining characteristic of singers is that when they open their mouths, sounds come out. Britney Spears, though nominally a singer, may as well be a mute. Her words have always been beside the point, relegated to some parallel universe for irrelevant things, along with Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, and laser discs.

This is partly because everything she says is incoherent, a perpetual gurgle of "Y'all"s, "I'm just doing my thing"s, and nonsense phrases like "Hit Me Baby One More Time." But it's obviously not Britney's songs that make her fascinating. That would be her body: in a Catholic school-girl uniform, bizarre red rubber suit, sheer stocking, or lately, treading to the gas station bathroom with no shoes on or viciously smashing car windows with an umbrella.

The transformation chronicled in these indelible images, from good-girl sex-kitten to gonzo celebutard, has been so complete that when I first heard Blackout (Jive Records, Nov. 13), her new album, I was taken aback: She sounds exactly the same as she always has. How the hell is that possible? ProTools! With the help of every sound effect the program has, the Neptunes, Timbaland protégé Nate "Danja" Hills, and Bloodshy & Avant (the dudes responsible for "Toxic") have created a new batch of Britney songs that sound exactly like an old batch of Britney songs. It's a miracle. And great news for the only people Britney's songs ever mattered to in the first place: slumber-party attendees and wasted revelers at (preferably gay) nightclubs. Which is another way of saying, Blackout is super fun to dance to when you don't care what other people think. Or, Blackout kicks ass.

[After the jump, Radar takes Blackout track-for-track!]

The album contains 12 full-fledged, um, tunes (four full of heavy breathing and eight explicitly about having sex), all of which you could grow to love/hate if you were forced to listen to them six times in a row. "Gimme More" (Panting? Check!), which you've already heard, starts things off properly with "It's Britney, Bitch." Sweet.

Track 2 is "Piece of Me," a bump and grind jam on Quaaludes, highlights of which include Spears using the word derrière and the line, "I'm Mrs. She's Too Big, Now She's Too Thin," only half of which (apologies Brit!) is true.

Next up is "Radar," a very catchy song (with a fantastic title) that distorts Britney's voice beyond recognition, making the track sound like an overly produced Rihanna song—i.e. pretty awesome.

"Break the Ice" is another moaner with a monotonous beat that's basically unremarkable except for an uncomfortable masturbation breakdown where Britney purrs," I like this part / It makes me feel good."

Track 5, "Heaven on Earth," finds Britney up to old-school tricks, cooing about love and "when I'm next to you it's just like heaven on earth." Its Blackout's answer to "Lucky," but with an '80s pop vibe and a tip of the hat to old Belinda. Ready to be blasted at your local roller skating rink immediately.

The album's third heavy breather, "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)," is both an abomination and an excellent group sing-along. Imagine: "The left half of the room is going to sing, 'Get Naked.' Then the right half is going to sing, 'Take it off.' Okay? Let's practice. Left half?"

"Get Naked!"
"Right half?"
"Take it off!"
"Great! Let's do it for real now. Left!"
"Get Naked. Get Naked. Get Naked."
"Right!"
"Take it off. Take it off. Take it off."
"Great job, guys!"

With "Freakshow" Britney does the best impersonation of Debbie Harry she will ever do—unfortunately it's of Harry rapping in "The Tide Is High," so there's more than enough embarrassment to go around.

Supposedly, "Toy Soldier" is sung by Spears, but with the ultra-pinched vocals and multiple Stefani-esque backing tracks on the chorus, it's impossible to tell. Sadly, only medium danceability.

On Track 9, "Hot as Ice," Brit's insane hubris finally wears thin: See the line "Livin' legend baby / you can look but don't touch," which is probably fine (and healthier) for most people.

The next two tracks, "Ooh Ooh Baby" and "Perfect Lover" (the last moaner!) are at the end of the album for a reason. They're both boring and have high ick-factors, demonstrated in the lyrics, "I can feel you deep inside" and heavy breathing after the line "When you touch me there."

The last song, "Why Should I Be Sad," produced by the Neptunes, is Britney's attempt to write a heartfelt, personal ballad akin to "Cry Me A River," except about K-fed. It sounds like a less accomplished version of *NSync's "Gone" and contains blah lyrics like "It's time for me to move along / I'm tried of singing sad songs." After only one sad song, I was tired of her singing them too.