Everyone ran blurry telescopic lens photos of made-under Jessica Simpson and her maudlin man John Mayer frolicking on an Australian Beach. Life & Style tried to bill it as an intimate, "small fantasy wedding" and progressive thinking Star declared the beach romp a "honeymoon." But all the quotes from eyewitnesses, paparazzi, and random pelicans in the background about how "in love" they look couldn't make John and Jess interesting. Bring back the bottle-blonde, boot-stepping, Bam Margera-banging Jess of yore!

Speaking of boring couples, In Touch, Us , OK!, and Life & Style all agree that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are hot and heavy. The proof? The two spent Easter weekend with their respective families and not together!

Depending on which rag you read, Type-A Reese went about pursuing Jake in the manner of her Election character (Us); Jake is the one pushing for a public courtship (OK!); or Reese's ex-hubby Ryan Phillippe is so jealous that he just can't help drown his sorrows in the bosoms of 18-year-old starlets and known conjugal comforter Lindsay Lohan (Us again).

Psychiatrist Carole Lieberman weighs in twice, first telling In Touch she doesn't think Reese should reconcile with Ryan and then filling out an Us story by announcing the Legally Blonde star probably isn't ready to move on yet. Thorough Us (still 50 cents more than OK!, still twice the circulation) finds a Jake friend who says that before the Brokeback Mountain man all got serious with Reese he was kicking it with a waitress he picked up in NYC. He even brought her to dinner with big sis Maggie, and then "he just stopped calling her altogether," says the pal. See, stars are just like us!