WAX OFF Middleton

After the shattering announcement that Prince William and would-be-Queen Kate Middleton had split after five years, the British press paused for just a moment before unleashing all sorts of Pygmalion-style nonsense about how Kate was, in the end, too "middle class" to marry a prince.

The Kate backlash has had a further effect: hordes of aspiring lookalike Middletons were suddenly out of work, and Madame Tussaud's has stopped work on a wax figure of the royal girlfriend.

Now, just before Kate slips into complete obscurity, her detractors are sharpening their claws. Most hacks agree she was a nice enough girl—the real vitriol is aimed at her mother, Carole, a former stewardess turned party entrepreneur.

Royal sources are cited, blaming Carole for chewing gum at a party for Prince William, addressing the Queen with "Pleased to meet you" instead of the more toffy "How do you do?" and—worst of all—using the term "toilet" when asking where the bathrooms were.

Perhaps worst of all, it's come out that Will's snotty friends had it in for Kate from the beginning, whispering "Doors to manual," a reference to her mother's time in the Friendly Skies, whenever she entered a room. To add insult to injury, the speculation is mounting that William may be falling prey to the charms of blonde-haired, poshly named Isabella Anstruther Gough Calthorpe.

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