Are you a self-satisfied, paranoid, coke-snorting yuppie with a penchant for organic kale, Kashi bars, and unscented Seventh Generation laundry detergent? If so, the STATs think tank at George Mason University says you have UMC Syndrome (Upper Middle Class Syndrome). The afflicted tend to be hyper-educated, internet-savvy residents of hip enclaves in Brooklyn or San Francisco whose aversion to all things synthetic leads them to "freak out" over the housekeeper using "generic products!"

Those encumbered by the disorder eschew carcinogenic chemicals of any kind—particularly for their babies, fearing (in no particular order) vinyl, pthalate-emitting plastics, masstige rugs from Pottery Barn, and fume-laden Opi nail polish. But, says STATs, that doesn't always stop them from indulging in a few vices—either smoking, downing pinot grigio by the magnum, or snorting coke cut with talcum powder. Tragically, UMC Syndrome is only the latest in a rash of class-specific malaises. After the jump, some of our fav superfluous psychological disorders ...

CHAOS: Can't Have Anybody Over Syndrome: Prompted by excessive use of eBay and an extreme need to buy more crap, CHAOS has turned otherwise tidy suburban homes into pigsties and fueled a multi-billion dollar "organizing industry," countless Oprah specials, and hours of programming on HGTV.

Affluenza: It's not just the title of a new book by British psychologist Oliver James, who insists the middle class is overtaken by a strong desire to "keep up with the Beckhams" by spending unconscionable amounts of money on age-defying products, bloated McMansions, and gas-guzzling super cars. It's a serious affliction that TheraFlu won't help.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: So what if you only barely fill out those size-six Banana Republic jeans? You feel like a whale, godammit. You can't pose on your MySpace page in a bikini because you're JUST SO GROSS!

Acquired Situational Narcissism: A disorder afflicting celebrities in which said celebrities, once ensnared in the well-manicured claws of their personal assistants, trainers, publicists, and fluffers suffer from an endlessly inflating sense of their own self-worth. Under the glare of the kleig lights, the embattled narcissists then become vulnerable to the great demons of sex, drugs, and tabloids.

Attributed Identity Disorder: A psychological worry for children of the uber-wealthy or over-accomplished, AID results in extremely low self-esteem, lack of ambition and empathy, and a tendency toward underachievement. Thus the daughter of a major CEO might while away her time working as a video-store clerk or the Greek son of a shipping magnate might languish in a professional kiteboarding career.

Photo: Splash News & Picture Agency